Things Middle Schoolers Say

In a totally non-creepy way, one of my favorite pastimes is people-watching. I just love how words, and expressions, and experiences make each person awesomely unique. And if you have the distinct privilege bad luck of knowing me, something you’ve said has probably been immortalized forever and ever in my Notes app.

These days, my phone is populated with anecdotes from the classroom that would be a shame to keep to myself. So, for this first edition of “Things People Say”…welcome back to middle school.

Weird Boy and Boys Are So Weird have an epic love-hate relationship that is the stuff of Taylor Swift legend. On one of those days when hate tips the scale, Weird Boy decides to smack Boys Are So Weird over the head with a paperback. Her preferred method of retaliation?

Boys Are So Weird: Aaaargh! I’m going to block you on Instagram!

While filling out evidence charts for an upcoming essay in class…

Weird Boy: I can’t fit the whole quote in the box!

Miss H: So write smaller, man. Gosh, girls never have this problem.

Boys Are So Weird: I know, right?!

Weird Boy: They write small because they only care about the small stuff.

Love rules the day, so he makes googly eyes at Boys Are So Weird.

One day in class, while students are reading aloud from Call of the Wild, I spot a baby carrot sticking out of a kid’s book…already seeping through the pages…

Me: Bugs Bunny, please tell me you’re not using your food as a bookmark.

Bugs Bunny: Oh, yeah! I’d forgotten about that one.

He proceeds to munch on gross, leftover carrot.

Ball of Sass is Boys Are So Weird’s hilarious best friend. She loves class, hates writing.

Miss H: And when you get to college, you’re going to have to write a lot of essays.

Ball of Sass: But I want to be a doctor.

Miss H: They write the most essays. Their essays are made up of chapters that are made up of smaller essays.

Ball of Sass: I’m going to work at Costco.

There are certain things I never thought would ever come out of my mouth. Things like, “You’re mine for the next 11 minutes, so put the highlighter away,” “Let me help you clean the boogers off that computer,” or “Yay, essays!” All this to say that teachers aren’t exempt from Awkward Middle Schooler Syndrome.

Nothing will ever top this reaction to Buried Genius’s missing homework assignment…

Miss G: Buried Genius, you’re killing me! I’m going to rip my hair out in the shape of your name, and whenever someone sees my bald spot, they’ll know it was because of you.

Model Student is a funny kid who actually asks for vocab quizzes and tips on how to make his introductory paragraphs more interesting. His one flaw is speaking before thinking.

Me: Model Student, where’s Absent Kid?

Model Student: (nervously) Wait, what?

Me: Is Absent Kid here today?

Model Student: Oh! No, he went on the field trip. Haha, I thought you thought I murdered him or something.

Me: I wasn’t thinking it before…


Bad Luck Brian is a funny kid who’s recently taken to “dabbing” in class. He also forgets to log off of the computer. So when he opens his poetry notes in English, he finds just one folder and the following note:

Clever Troll: Dear Bad Luck Brian, I see that you forgot to log off last period. Since I’m not a sadistic jerk, I won’t delete all of your documents. However, since I am a troll, I’ve created a labyrinth of folders going five folders deep for you to dig through. Good luck finding your stuff, and remember to log off next time. Sincerely, Clever Troll

Weird Boy has a reputation (based on rumors he spreads about himself) for being quite the ladies’ man. He has over 200 girlfriends in a 10 mile radius. So while Weird Boy is busy being distracted in class, Literally Knows Everything turns to me and says…

Literally Knows Everything: I know who Weird Boy likes.

Weird Boy: (hears his name and perks up) Oh, yeah? Who?

Literally Knows Everything: Miss V!

Weird Boy: Eww! Miss Vanilla?!* She’s, like 40 years old!

I’m 24.

*A nickname Weird Boy and his best friend bestowed upon me to see if I’d give them detention.


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